'Soon', He declared, 'will the present day order be rolled up and a new one spread out in its stead.'

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

After several lines of urine...

Yeah, that's not a great title, but for this entry, it makes perfect sense.

So, Shane got rid of the dog we were taking care of on Sunday night. There's something about a dog peeing on my carpet and the couch (I was visiting my parents, mind you) that made him want to kick the thing past the New Year. This was, of course, the last straw for Shane who then called the owner's son and told him he was bringing the dog over. Some hasty minutes of cleaning later and the dog was back at home, to soil himself several times over despite being taken for a walk only an hour earlier.

Someone responded to this story by saying, "aww, poor dog." Yes, exactly! Poor dog who we cared for and were nice to, holding in our anger after it peed on the floor for the third, forth, and fifth times. Another person told us to stick the dog's nose in the pee and say no. Mind you, I neglected to say that after nearly every time the dog peed in the house I would do this, to no avail. Plain and simply, the dog didn't like staying with us. He didn't like it, and he was being quite vocal without having to - I mentioned that he barked a lot right? I mean, a lot - actually say anything. For this, I hope I never see that dog in our apartment again; for if I do, and it pees, some four-year old and her father will be wishing on a shooting dog in the night sky.

REGRESS! REGRESS! REGRESS! REGRESS!

Shane had been telling me about the article about the Virginia congressman who wanted to prevent the new Congressman from being sworn in on the Quran all weekend and sent me the link a bit ago. I have to say, I really enjoyed this article though. In spite of the sentiment by Mr. Goode the article is a well written and fascinating look into prayer and religious history.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Progress comes in the form of the Quran

I could not be happier to read this story. Fantastic!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Why are you running away from you when its cold, wet, and raining?

Shane is dog sitting for the next few days, and based on what we've seen thus far, things are not going to go well.

See, I do not like Coco one bit. As I write this he paces his cage, whimpering and barking begging for someone to let him out; which I just had to deal with as well, and that was not fun. Intro, I took the dog out to go to the bathroom. Put him on his leash and walked to the backyard, stood there for a while, and realized he wasn't doing anything. So, I released him from his fetters thinking he would react similarly to the way he does when he's prancing around the apartment: following us around and generally being a sissy. This did not happen, however. Instead, he bolted. And I mean that in every sense of that word. Now, in this regard dog's playing around is fine for a while, but when the dog runs around the house every time you approach him, making his way to each neighbor's yard before being distracted long enough by the neighbors' son is not the kind of playing around that I subscribe to. In fact, that's the kind of playing around that I very strongly dislike. Human or animal, annoying playing is not my game. First, we were told that the dog doesn't bark, and yet, here we have him sounding off several times a second like his life's in danger. Second, I can hear Marc upstairs, walking around. The dude's usually asleep right now, and I bet he's also pacing but with thoughts of kicking our door down with a rifle and shooting the annoying bugger. Third, I released him from his cage thinking that he'll whine less roaming the apartment. Its working thus far, but he likes the idea of running around, investigating under the bed (which is fine), and jumping in with me (which is nowhere close to fine). The thought of sleeping is chased off by the constant scampings of this tiny dog with the high-pitched yelp, and the under bite. Actually, the thing looks like an Ewok; minus the crossbow, dancing skills, developed language, and general being adept at capering.

What I'm seeing here can be chalked up to being remarkably spoiled. A jaunty sweater, short designer leash, and Doggles. Yeah, Doggles. They're goggles for dogs. Awwwwww, no. Its not cute. That's insane. This is a dog. A wild animal. That means that up until a few thousand years ago they roamed the plains in packs hunting other wild animals and not whining because we've left the room. Sure, dogs have been domesticated, but this guy is a complete sissy in every sense of the word.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Skism further (the short version)

Remember the days when video games were about killed nameless, faceless characters instead of trying to convert them or attempt to kill the president? Those were the days.

Both games deal with the issue of 'conversion' or an attempt to - not brainwash but - influence people negatively. My biggest issue with the first game is simple, where is Christ in all of this? "The word 'convert' does not even appear in the game, he adds - and neither does the word 'Christian'." Well, why not? If it contains Christian principles, draws from the Bible, and eludes to Christian stories and prophecies its a Christian game. Plain and simple. The deception aspect is going to cause some serious issues as people will be confused as to what they're playing. They're, very simply, tricking people into believing that certain denominations of Christianity will reach Heaven and everyone else, well, they're heretics. They're evil and being controlled by the devil.

The second game, however, is terrifying. To say that this game isn't trying to recruit people or influence people's thinking in a negative light is crazy. You're shooting the president and his staff as well as the prime minister of the U.K. That's a very direct, very deliberate movement toward messing with people.

Lastly, what's to stop game makers from creating games where Christians are slaughtering Jews or Muslims are bombing sacred Hindu statues and spiritual buildings? The problem lies in creating games where there even might be an underlining mode of hatred. That's the real issue, and the real proof of the destruction of the Old World.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Peter Boyle passes at 71

This is a bit of sad news today. He was always such a hilarious guy.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Wii got a problem apparently


I've been alerted to two articles about people enjoying their Wii too much. Yes, that was intended and probably shouldn't even have been included in this post, but it just fit in so well. Regardless, here are the articles: MSN and NY Times Blog.

I find it immensely funny that people are throwing their controllers out the window, and have begun thinking about roaming the streets until someone tosses their's. I mean, it's cheaper than buying one.

Little Mosque on the Prairie

I'd watch it.

Many thanks to Sarah Lonning for the find

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

What we 'know' is what we assume

In my first philosophy class in college our professor, on the first day, asked us if two parallel lines intersect. She went around the room asking people, and we all said 'no' or 'probably'. The entire room was basically uniform as she explained that scientists and mathematicians have suggested that, somewhere off in space, parallel lines intersect. This is within the model of believing the universe and space come to a point instead of infinitely sprawled out like a college student after finals. Our professor explained the point of bringing this up was to draw our attention to the idea that what we have learned may not be as concrete as we believe it to be. So as to say, so many of us learn that Christopher Columbus sailed 'the ocean blue' in 1492 and landed in America. It wasn't until much later that we find out he hadn't; his trek concluded in the Caribbean. This is just one example of an item we're taught and supposed to blindly believe.

The problem here is that we all believe that what we 'learn', what is told to us is 'factual' when, in fact, these things are in a constant state of flux. Unless we believe that parallel lines didn't used to intersect but now do based on some change in the space/time continuum or whatever Star Trek quoting you're willing to pull out. The only things that remain constant, in my humble opinion, are the Words of God. Those Words don’t change, they evolve, laws adjust to accommodate human progression; but at no point do or will God’s Words come into question as the difference what ‘might be’ and what ‘is’. What we’re looking at is a vast and infinite continuum of opinions.

We have people spouting jargonistic thoughts and ideas that don’t really retain shape as our lives progress. If someone says, “Toyota’s are the best cars on the planet,” people are going to assume that the person is speaking from personal opinion; however, if someone says, “the berlin wall came down in 1989, (thank you Jeremy)” which is something regarded by many as a fact, we’d never think that what they’re proposing is their opinion or a thought created of experience or perspective.

The credence given here is that one person knows more than another about the subject that they are speaking about when, generally, people are simply relaying the information collected by someone else who is speaking from “experience”. There’s a book written by John Hodgman – You can see him on the Daily Show from time to time, but more regularly as the ‘PC’ in the Apple commercials – called The Areas of My Expertise about the idea that by simply saying you’re an expert people will assume that you are in spite of knowing very little, or anything at all, about the subject you’ll be talking about or representing. It’s an act that people have been using for years with great success: making crap up to sound important. Generally, these people know something or think they know something and go on television shows or are quoted in magazines or newspapers just plain speaking and making what they say sound real. And it is real, to them, but it may not be real to everyone else. When a teenager is asked a general question, as the sample of the population of teenagers, people accept their answers as facts across the board. There’s one answer given, one perspective looked at and the mass of people are clumped in with them. A man wearing a green shirt says it doesn’t look good on him yields people thinking that people in green shirts don’t think the color looks good on them. Sounds like a completely insane belief but the evidence exists to say that things like this happen, somewhere, sometime.

With this idea firmly plunged into our cortex we can understand how insane it is that we unquestionably believe one another. Now, I’m not saying that human beings are gullible or actually believe what is said by some stranger they’ve never met, but these situations exist. I’ve experienced them and therefore I, personally, can say that in my experience people do, somewhere and sometime, blindly accept everything that is spouted from the mouths of “experts” or friends or co-workers etc. But then again, that’s me, and I really don’t know much, if anything about anything. I just have a few ideas.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Start with a title; work backward

As I search back through the annals of my blog writing, my cannon, I’ve noticed several notes regarding use of words that begin with ‘i’ and ‘t’ to start entries and paragraphs. This has been a concern of mine for quite a while. Why the perpetual use of ‘the’, ‘its’, ‘then’, ‘I’, etc. when there are a myriad of other words to start sentences? It’s a confusing situation to be in. Something that probably doesn’t require all that much uncovering but interests me none-the-less.

Another issue would be the idea of naming entries after the entry has been written. This isn’t so much an issue as a challenge. I’ve always enjoyed the idea of shaping a title; narrowly averting using any real, direct correlation to the subject matter of the entry. Skimming subjects to alert the reader to a focal point, perhaps. It’s something that I see as a way of redirecting the reader’s eyes. The idea of pointing the direction I want the reader to look instead of simply being confusing (creating a title that has nothing to do with anything written beneath) or directly connected (more common). Anyway, I’ve decided to try writing the title first and compiling the entry around that title. No loosely based direction or misdirection. Not to mention this will force me to stick to a singular subject instead of tangentializing and hopefully getting the point I was initially trying to make.

The title I would have used if I had written it after I finished the entry: Like naming children

Monday, December 04, 2006

The first ever Civil Rights Game

It'll take place on March 31st in Memphis, TN between the Cardinals and Indians.

Bursts

Pandora is suggesting cold weather. Well, perhaps not, but the random song choices are creating images of frosted windows, stalled cars, canceled shoe traction, and scarves and gloves. I spent some time thinking about de-icing and shoveling the snow in our driveway all weekend, analyzing from both the kitchen and dinning room window pairs, but have done nothing more than stare and shrug and let the smells of tomatoes, string beans, kale, and chicken let me know the food is ready.

You can tell, in the eyes

I spent some time this weekend in a vain attempt to gain back the sleep I’ve missed out on over the last month or so. Round the clock cold pillows, coils in the space heater cooking dust remnants, and the natural light of snow refracting circles my room in constant patterns. Eight, eleven, and six hours later the dry, puffiness around my eyes lingers, peeling a bit, creating red spots where there usually aren’t and reminding me of tasks incomplete.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Panic! at the Disco or 'Chastity!' a Musical

Last night there was a bit of a fuss. Shaghyedh and Sami had tickets to see Panic! at the Disco at the Target Center, the arena where the Timberwolves play, and much of the extended family was at the Missaghi home eating dinner and conversing. Actually, it starts a bit earlier than that, about a week, as Shaghyedh found out that Bloc Party was no longer playing, Sami would later confirm that one of the drummer's lungs had collapsed, and would be replaced by the Plan White T's, who hail from Chicago and are pretty great guys. Regardless, they stood, shoes halfway across the threshold and back again, for over half an hour as various people shouted various things, over others talking about shopping, about what was happening in the house. They understood the issue, got the problem with leaving a family get-together just as they had arrived from shopping, but eighty dollars spent is eighty dollars wasted if they remained. Their faces shifted back and forth between near-defiance and near-exasperation. And there I was, sitting next to Shirin with a plate, laboring over two last pieces of leftover turkey, trying to drill my head into the side of Shirin's neck. I had basically spent the day with these two ladies, began to feel a connectedness that hadn't existed before, discussed shoes and pants in thumping and drowned out stores, and we had all, several times, referred to each other as brother and sisters. I felt the sister's-helper muscle tighten between my shoulder blades as they began pacing.

I asked Shaghyedh why they didn't just go. It wasn't every day that Sami is back in town from Boston and the two of them are able to spend private moments in public places. She whimpered loudly. Then explained that they had bought the three tickets well in advance and...I turned, grabbed my coat and told our parents that the girls and I were going to the show together. No problems anymore; apparently. Racing to the car to ensure that the conversation couldn't be furthered.

This, of course, was leading up to the concert. The concert - I'll call it, Act 'Huh?' - seemed like a forgone conclusion. We would enjoy ourselves. Me with my extra ticket that didn't cost the girls a cent and theirs which...uh...did.


The Target Center is large. It's quite large. If you're looking for a way to gauge its size, picture any large basketball/hockey arena and you've got the idea. The stage was adorned with red and yellow paint splashed tapestries and banners, the fan base (which I had no idea was possible) was expanding as we arrived right before Panic! at the Disco (the headliner?) graced the stage. [Now, I'd like to take a break here to explain some very quick things. A) I've heard this band not more than twice. B) I know very little about this band save the one single I heard and a few words of hearsay from various people. C) I do not like large venues; size is proportionate to easy of access, relaxability, aesthetic, and effort by the band; so-as-to-say, performers in a larger venue have strange expectations to not really care about the gig as they're going to be paid regardless of performance and have a variety of props or the like to buttress.] And Sami, Shaghyedh, and I sat, basically, behind a series of speakers, stage left surrounded by those who, and I'm about to do something I've never done before, were roughly half my age.

We three sat talking about the crowd's mean age, the music videos projected onto the screen above us, and how none of us would consider ourselves fans of the band we were about to invest time in seeing. We than began taking our investment seriously as the band was announced, carnival music played, and a curtained part of the stage was unveiled. Interest was peeked, at first, and then the dancers emerged.

From this point on, I can only describe our experience as…well, very simply an experience. The ‘dancers’ moved onto the stage during the first song; which exploded like teenage boys and girls pressed against one another, elation. Loud and fast right off the bat tends to do that to a crowd. Now, when I say ‘move’ I mean that. They graced the stage with a level of malaise that one would not associate with their costumes, most of the time leather. When they finally reached the front of the stage, all the while performing odd bends and tricks like a first year gymnast, they stopped to surround the singer and proceeded to jerk about like b-actors in a cheap horror movie. I laughed. The rest of the show, in the dancers regard, continued in the same vein: odd maneuvers and oddly choreographed scenes depicting love, lust, insanity, and a sense of foreboding actions that never completely came to light. The two gentleman dancers did flips a few times, and stood on stilts for whatever reason as I’m guessing it had something less to do with being carnival types than anything else but I could be wrong as the four woman, presented as royal strumpets, pranced about in tutus, and then underpants, and then as nurses and leather clad debaucherous strumpets again. I was half expecting Madonna to drop down from the ceiling in a cone bra, “HA! I tricked you! This is my concert!”

The band itself, who seemed relatively disinterested in the goings on of the dancers, played a pretty good show though. There was the odd issue of the amount of material, which they remedied by covering Queen and ‘Eleanor Rigby’ and an odd Stomp/Drumline segment which featured the multi-talented singer dueling the drummer on the snare drums, the bassist and guitarist manned the garbage cans, while the dancers and keyboardist played the bass drums and cymbals/trash cans. There was, of course, the odd placement of an Intermission to mop up some more time where the dancers could change costumes and the large screens on either side of the stage projected video of various ‘freakshow’ attractions without being too gross or weird. A perfect example of this was a black and white video of a woman who used her joined arms as jump rope.

The show came to a close with very little bantering by the singer to the crowd and a odd acceptance that there would be no encore. The crowd just up and left never calling into question that the last song would, in fact be the last song. The only lingering was in regard to finding friends or asking for a set list. It was a new experience in most regards as I’m used to kids mulling around, looking to talk at the band about how great the show was, and being asked to leave by overly aggressive security guards with their top two buttons undone. Condescendingly remarking that ‘you kids need to go find your rides’ or ‘your mom’s are outside waiting for you’.

The drive back was awash of impressed but confused eyebrows as we talked about past experiences – much like I’ve done above – at smaller, cozier venues with bands who interacted with the audience. But that didn’t seem to bother us, mostly, there were twangs in our voices occasionally and a more specific sigh whenever we mentioned small venues like the Fireside Bowl in Chicago (me) or a variety of bars and holes in the wall in Boston (Sami). Yet, the underlying issue, the one that recycled through our minds for the rest of the night without having to mention it was that of concern. Concern for the kids who cheered and screamed and danced in their seats and on the floor level. Those same kids who might be impacted by the freeness of sexuality and very public portrayals of private matters that they may not truly understand. This couldn’t be summed up better than by the young couple in the seats in front of us. A young girl with black hair and matching tank top and a young boy, whose boyish features mislead us at first to believe he was a she, who’s hands seemed familiar with the touch of her skin, tying her shirt behind her to expose the midriff, and whose hand remained, for the most part, in her back pocket. It was an odd vestige. A disturbing coup de grace that began by us comparing ourselves at that age to them. The past, now grown up, was just as confused and uncomfortable then as we were now watching the future unrestrained and unabashed.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Still out of it and tired; can't get coherent yet

A tendency exists to want to sleep the whole time I'm here in Minnesota, as I lay on the bed in the guest room of my aunt and uncle's house. A cave-like solitude would be created as I turn all the blinds up, lock the door, and create a fort out of my bedding. I'll wake up when we're ready to leave, living off the over abundance of food in my stomach. It's just not my scene here. I'm not exactly comfortable and haven't been the last three years we've come up here. Everything becomes instantly harder here. Personality shifts start happening, a need to adjust myself instead of finding that essentially comfort and calm that I know is there. Not really a cave within me as a museum of Davids' Past. A tour given by a man who looks oddly familiar to a group of incrementally younger yet equally as native men. I'll be reminded of past actions, wanting to be accepted and impress the family by being extra funny or making witty conversation.

That's one scenario, the most logical if one looks at precedent. If not, I'll just continue being me. Oddly calm in a storm of past mistakes. Looks like several hundred prayers are in order.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Parched yet not poached

A confused post that goes nowhere and everywhere

We’ve been set up with an internet connection at the apartment, this morning, and it would seem as though we’re both salivating at the prospect of finalizing things with the wireless router. Being an addict isn’t easy. Being a very private, reserved addict is probably even worse. The questions about connectivity, questions about the future of the connection and usefulness of the wireless, airport card since it’s caused problems in the past. Stammered yet sloth pacing around the front room, hands pocketed and deposits of sleep remain at eye corners.

It’s sort of weird; actually, that I can’t just write while I’m here. Spend the time to conceptualize and birth a short post about what I’m doing as once I begin the thought it’s quickly knocked back by devotion to my work. It’s a new feeling. The sleeplessness that has gripped me tight isn’t, but the want to spend as much time sitting here, at my desk, doing whatever they need me to do is new. Coming in on a Saturday to catch up or take a leap ahead. Taking time for a walk, web surfing or posting entries used to be par for the course, yet, now, I’m glued down by my own willingness to get as much done as possible. Apparently, people have noticed that I run in every morning, oddly looking like I really like doing my job; because I do.

The last tangent I’ll post here, a jerky posting that flows like a staccatoed gesture, I’m leaving for Minnesota at one this afternoon. I’ll be sleeping a lot, catching up on sleep, reading, writing, and the kind of face-pressed-against-the-glass sleep that you can only arrive at while traveling in the backseat of your family’s car on a long drive.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Some moments require paper bags to breath

I'm moving to Evanston this Saturday. That's two whole weeks before I had anticipated moving. And, with all the craziness that has been going on in my life, this causes some problems in plans. Wrenches thrown, cogs spraying about, some maintenance required. Now there's me at work. The low down is simple: I really enjoy what I'm doing. Calling Local Spiritual Assemblies to inform them that someone in their area is interested in being a Baha'i is pretty joyful. I can really put into words the expression that comes across the receiver once I've told the assembly member. I'm picturing lit up eyes, blown up eyebrows, and a smile that is being photographed from space; NASA calibrating their instruments. It makes this whole surprise all the more easy to deal with, but difficult in that it doesn't afford me the time that is required to call utility companies, send out emails for possible third roommates, and the continued attempt to sell random items to arrive at the rent for the ensuing month.

So, I sit here, in a pair of pants that are too tight in the crotch and too short at near the socks, and brown, zip-up sweater trying to plan when I can take a break to call Comcast, Nicor, and ComEd to get quotes. All while listening to Wilco's "Heavy Metal Drummer" relaxing in a puffed up chair, reminding me to breath and take the whole experience more lightly. I'm trying Mr. Tweedy, I just need change these constricting pants...wait.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Voices carry weight

I moved a lot over the last four years. So much so that it became my favorite word. It became so because of its general sense of aimlessness. The kind of action that doesn't really describe the action except in general terms. I moved. Like a domino piece colliding with another on a track created by the past. Wow, that sounds a lame, but it is the reality of the situation. My past, and present up until recently, framed what happened. Causality, the term not many were familiar with until after the Matrix Reloaded, became the driving force behind everything. I began listening to the comments of those around me. I began listening and the foundation I had built with layers of belief in myself and what I knew that I wanted, loved, and needed decayed from upkeep. Things deteriorated and I began believing those voices. Those who believed that they knew best: friend, family, random television man/woman, characters from a film or book or anything. Turns out they couldn't have been more wrong.

Eventually what I heard was their comments, or even what I believed were there comments; without even knowing for sure. This judging echo, a vapid, spreading out thing took the place of the other voice that was there. The one I loved. The one that gave me ideas for papers, stories, poems, conversations, and books. This voice which came extinguished like a pilot light made me feel like me. The real me.

I would walk down streets and be writing the first lines or phrase or scene descriptions for the passersby without them knowing. They're eyes welcomed to view what I viewed, ears hear what I heard, and emotions feel what I had embraced, created. It was as beautiful as I can put into words. But it's back.

I got home from hanging out with Mikey C. tonight. The drive home started off by me singing along to some Gatsby's American Dream and day dreaming of performing in front of expanses of people, friends. Then a white wash hit the part of my head that most people signify as the stress center. Where our gathered up stress pushes hard. And then, the white wash became a voice. Stronger and more numerous than I remember it. Ideas, lines, philosophies moved like varying wavelengths on a spectrograph, and I saw it all. Felt it.

And now I'm thinking about what I can do to retain those voices. They begin with a full-scale model of me.

How you like that!

I don't like the conjunction 'and'. I find that if left out the message is still conveyed by way of our predisposed notions that the word should be there. We place it where it 'should be' to ensure the stability of the message. To make sure that the status quo of the message remains the same.

Forget you 'and'...as a conjuction!

Hardwood Floors

Peppered mustache,
if we're talking tan flakes instead of black,
sauntered us through like he rode in on a horse
- Wranglers, boots, button-down, and twang -
with a white diamond above it's snout,

bending at the knees to work the ache out.

The Mustache vanna whited the branched rooms,
nicotined,
snaking right down the middle,
barbed tongue darting in isochronal bursts.
The perfect living space from it's squinting perspective,
it follows us
finding canned meat and beans in the cabinets,
genuine salutations left for the one who signed the right forms.

Comfort shifts hips side to side from the weather
and the mouth beneath repeats the script above.

Mustache's going to get paid tonight.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Hardwood Floors

Peppered mustache,
if we're talking tan flakes instead of black,
sauntered us through
like he rode in on a horse
- Wranglers, boots, button-down, and twang -
with a white diamond above it's snout,

bending at the knees to work the ache out.

The Mustache vanna whited the branched rooms
snaking through the middle,
barbed tongue darting in scheduled bursts.
The perfect space by it's squinting perspective,
as it follows us
finding canned meat and beans in the cabinets,
genuine salutations left for the one who signed the right forms.

Comfort shifts hips side to side from the weather
and the mouth beneath repeats itself.

Mustache's going to get paid tonight.

Part of the process

I've decided to do a virtual editing/workshopping project. To explain what I mean, I'll be workshopping/editing the poem that I wrote, making changes along the way. While doing so each edit will be cataloged as a new post. With this I hope to gain a lot of comments about the piece, improvements or follies, and see the evolution from inception to near-finished product.

Apartment hunting

Peppered mustache, if we're talking tan flakes instead of the black, sauntered us through like he rode in on a horse - Wranglers, boots, button-down shirt and twang - with a whitediamond on it's snout, bending at the knees to work the ache out. The Mustache Vanna Whited the branched rooms while snaking through the middle, barbed tongue darting in scheduled bursts. The perfect space by it's squinting, as it followed suit finding canned meat and beans in cabinets, genuine salutations left for the one who signed the right forms. Comfort shifts hips side to side from the weather and the mouth beneath repeats itself. Mustache's going to get paid tonight.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

"What new mystery is this..."

I've never been part of a band, in a sense. Never felt as though my comments, vision, or parts ever meant as much to the group as everyone else's. What I brought was easily ignored or not worth giving credence to. In the first band, I ignored things until the volume on my parts were turned down on our recording; then I quit. The next one, started and ended, for me, with a crowd of people in the practice space with more say than I did; room full of Yoko's; and I walked out angrily. Since then there has been one real one, one that had a name, practiced more than a couple times. I moved. Moved to Texas before I could tell them that the subject matter within the lyrics frustrated me, made me uncomfortable playing a song, as a Baha'i, about drinking, the "first time", or a creepy man hitting on a 15-year old girl. Then, there have been the ones that never got off the ground, the ideas that were presented before people, with placating, faux excitement. Others, lying through smiles, condescending words like rows of Greek spears, and me running head first into them.

It boils down to being excited, wrapped up in the idea of doing something, being part of a group of people playing music while the group doesn't feel the same way. Thinking that each time will be different, even when I know it won't. This goes across the board, however, including writing, design, a trip somewhere, etc. It would seem as though the problem stems from people not translating my statements, being cognizant of the seriousness of my words, reckoning that it's just another joke. Erring my seriousness for slant humor. It's something that is far too common, irritating, stinging. And then I'm supposed to ignore it, be unfazed by the mistranslation, but I don't. I carry it with me, not learning the possible lesson that is presented. Ignorate, possibly unburdened. Like a child who falls on his butt, and continues walk about with a smile on his face.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Precedence suggests more of the same

Means are simple, add up the "sample" or "population" of whatever values you're looking at and divide by the number of values. With this said, I've been looking at my musical "career" over the last few days. So is to say, I've been looking at my overall experience over the last few days; trying to arrive at a mean of my experiences. Prior to writing this, I'm going to say it hasn't been great, but who knows, I've been surprised before.

When I was in my junior year of high school I joined my first band, Bluebottle. We were a seven-piece group of kids, playing an immature version of punk/ska. Costumes, pelvic thrusts, and gigs at VFW and Knights of Columbus halls. In the process we were all relatively happy, or so I'm assuming. We were all able to take care of teen angst in less destructive ways than drinking or debauchery, downing various colas and dancing about. The strange thing about this band was our relative intelligence. In stark contrast to our capering within our private lives, we were all very independently intelligent people. So as to say, in our own respects we expressed specific intelligences. From math to writing, analytic to physics and music. Taking AP, advanced classes, writing papers on the structures of prose and writing some ourselves we all seemed to have a level playing field on each other. Most of us, I should say.

After over a year of shows and writing songs in a basement, we decided to purchase some time in a recording studio near Indiana. Something professional as the progressive step past using an eight-track or a tape recorder balancing on the drier at the top of the basement stairs. It was our first experience in doing so, studio recording, working with and attempting to mimic the personality of respectable adults doing respectable, adult music in a home studio. Things took a while. Inexperience shaking instrument movements, less concerned with getting things right than getting them done quickly on a Sunday night almost an hour from our homes.

For me there was a twang, a preexisting gut-punch feeling that I couldn't quite place after I played my parts a few times. As a member of the horn section, our general job was to augment the band around us, create melody or harmony where it was needed. Creating bars of melody with my trumpet between half-time drums, oddly intricate bass lines, and simple guitars; I stood in the corner of the control room, sweating, with headphones falling off my head and the sound too low to hear. Completing things as the novice I was, I ran into the other room as our lead trumpet player stepped in, conversing with the tech and man-at-the-big-board. He was the most familiar of us all in that booth, asking about gain issues and overall quality.

Before the final product arrived one of our members told me that all my parts had been, basically, cut from the recording. Turned down to inaudible background, white noise on an album full of noise. When I confronted the rest of the band, they said nothing. Searching for patterns or signs in the wood grain of the lunch room table that might help them break the news. I asked why they didn't just talk to me in the studio, pounding my fist on the table, the tables around me rubbernecking for high school drama. They didn't have an answer, looking at each other. And it was over.

Friday, October 27, 2006

A List Hides Here

I want to learn Ti Chi. Wear red shoes. Wear blue shoes. Visit old cinema in non-ergonomic chairs. Sit in an overstuffed, red chair; ignoring the smooth fabric. Engage conversation about grammar, editing, computer vs pen/paper, authorship, and old typewriters. Delude my use of 'apple, s'. Patchwork a room with framed sketches from Frank Lloyd Wright prints. Sleep with the door closed. Leave the sweater in the drawer. Peel printed text back like nourishment. Detach strange tendrils, suction cups, from the poetic scraps; produce.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Anticipation like a first day

Over the last couple weeks there has been a noticeable tenseness in my shoulders. Ben, one of my current roommates and massage therapist, made mention of it simply by looking at me from five feet away. Shoulders like stone Crazy Horse at dusk, minus the headdress. Things became a battle for sanity, like painting faces, black streaks like fire from a gun's mouth. A prairie of tufts like an old man, a gust that rushes through it, and the necessity for resolution. Vendettas and vengeance doesn't dwell but a knowing of need.

And that all leads me to now; well, earlier today; in less flowery language, in a parked car, with Jon on the phone with the namesake of whom I waited to hear from. Then came a similar movement to Jon's, from pocket to ear, and word was given. And an dissimilar movement to Jon's, a crumbling of encased rock. Ceremonious and punctilious disrobing of apprehensive baggage.

Yes, I will begin doing service at the BNC in the next two weeks and will remain there for two years.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Agreed

"Not to be absolutely certain is, I think, one of the essential things in rationality." ~ Bertrand Russell

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Station 5: The Pearl

Station 1: The Service
-Two years of service at the BNC
- Doesn't matter the position
- Remain in a state of service
- Elation
- Be Happy

Station 2: The Education
- Finish this semester at Oakton
- Begin at DePaul next semester
- Complete degree in less than a year
- Graduation
- Be Happy

Station 3: The Higher Education
- Apply to masters program at DePaul
- Complete masters in writing
- Do this in the two to three years necessary
- Graduation
- Be Happy

Station 4: The Career
- Apply for work
- Write books, short stories, etc.
- Establish myself
- Finish writing a least one book in first year
- Be Happy

Station 5: The Family
- Get married
- Move
- Have kids
- Possibly move again
- Be Happy

Instructions:
The following process should not take long. Nearing the ending of the last station I should be entering my thirties, which is daunting right off the bat, and it will be around this time when things begin to solidify. Life might not start as quickly as most believe. This is, absolutely, a process that requires time, gestation, and developmental exercises to complete. Notwithstanding, several lives that I see right now confound me. People aren't happy, disappointed with their lives, angry that their "chance" didn't arrive; despite the very real possibility that they simply missed or weren't awake enough to grab hold and enjoy. This is the goal here as I've figured out my path. The goal is to take that path. My path. Follow it until it's end in the next life, and, hopefully, have made progress enough in this world to feel comfortable with the amount of service; or not, and wish I could spend more time doing so. These are the things that make life enjoyable and full of cheek to cheek smiles: service, God, tests, and happiness. The good thing, for me (not to rub it in to anyone else) at this point, is recognition. It's not every day that someone see so clearly their path before them. So, I suppose the tribulations will take place throughout my life as a writer as opposed to the path it takes to get there. Smooth sailing until then, perhaps. I hope not. I hope difficulties continue to keep me grounded here until I'm ready to take that step into that other path of complete happiness, tranquility, and prayer.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Decatur! One night only!

It was nil, nil; Ecuador, Brazil twenty-one minutes in as we sat in affordable chairs at a table covered in linen and then clear plastic, walls held up by three framed pictures; one of them a naked woman kneeling in supplication before a clay pot full of various white flowers; if that's not indicative of what's been going on, I don't know what is. So that last part wasn't true, it wasn't how things were. Things have been fine. Better than they had been, but I'll return to the story. Brazil had just earned their first of many yellow cards, not long after Ecuador's in the overly physical futbol match. I looked over, "Dude sold it. Don't know if that was worth a yellow card." They showed the replay, continuing in Spanish as with the conversations surrounding us; it was definitely worth a yellow card.

Jon turned around to check on our waitress/cashier/greeter's current status as she walked back from the kitchen. Light eyes, light hair, dark skin. "I'm...getting pretty hungry," he rotated his body in the chair, looking back at me looking at the mounted TV. "Yes...Nice slide. All ball." Then my phone buzzed and I didn't recognize the number, so I walked across the room to take it. Turns out some of the people I went to school with were having a reunion, of sorts, in Decatur and they wanted me to drive down to party with them. I shifted on my non-braced knee and responded that I probably wouldn't go. My friend on the other line 'aww'ed and told me to drive out anyway, that it was only three hours. I patted my back pocket, checking again for my lost check card.

When I returned to the table I related to Jon the conversation. The party, the kids I hadn't seen in a long while. He asked me why I didn't want to go. I knew my answer, readied for it and gave him parts. I still didn't have a job (you know, one that I had started anyway); lost my credit card that morning (I found it later under one of my bags); and really didn't feel like driving three hours to watch people drink, stay the night there, and drive back the next morning. Without shifting attention away from the game, "Just seems like a good excuse to go out and have some fun," was his shrug.

Since then I've thought about what he said, about the party, the conversation and why I decided not to go. Truth is, I hadn't seen a lot of those kids for a reason. A lot of them brought out the worst in me, and few made me happy. Actually, thinking about it now brings on a feeling I had in my childhood of me stretching up in my bed. Not with my arms out, flexibility testing, but in that my body expanded upward; or just my head. It was an odd feeling mostly. Feeling mentally hyper-extended. If I drove out there, I would simply be forcing an pulling away from all that I've tried to accomplish here. Trust, comfort, love, unity across the board. It would be an experience of celebrating the deficiencies and problems that were in a forum that I'm not at all comfortable with yet.

So, I went out to dinner with a friend and watched TV on the couch all night...affected by thoughts of several of the things that happened to me while I attended that school. As images crashed about I wished I hadn't received that phone call at all. Could have focused on me asking for my friend to "send my love and hugs to everyone there." Despite knowing that she wouldn't say it that way. Wouldn't encapsulate who I've grown into. How when people say that college allowed them to find out who they were wasn't the same for me. It turned me on my head, kicked me backward, and I'm really uninterested in resuming that slide downward.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Things I've learned today...

A list in movements

Coughing can mess up your back

I have a few bone chips in my knee, one of which is almost an inch long and has been there for over seven years

I'll require surgery to remove those bone chips sooner than later

Sometimes I can actually feel bone meeting bone when I bend my knee

My body will be war tested before I shuffle off this moral coil

I can't believe I'm 25-years old

Some members of my family can't believe I'm 25-years old

A friend of mine said something that disturbed me significantly enough to where I'm just now getting to the point where I can talk about it, but I haven't brought it up

I'm not supposed to work at Motorola right now

Physical Therapy is going to be excruciating

There is hair in random places in my laptop

The television show 'Scrubs' makes me draw juxtapositions against my own life


None of this is news. I've known it all for quite a while. Its just taken me some time to accept it. Now begins the process of breaking things down and learning from them, I suppose. Reminding myself to remain positive is a first step, right?

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Slave 1 is sitting, naked, on some boxes...

The ship from Star Wars

A moment exists every once in a while when things become perfect, and there's nothing left to do but question and run away. I'm there right now. I'm scared and confused and unsure as to the rightness of an event. What's worse, I'm wondering if the rightness itself is the test and not what led up to it. All while noticing the personal business card I received on Sunday afternoon, and I felt there was an odd moment of clarity that probably wasn't there in the first place.

A moment also existed when I stood in my room, right outside the bathroom, looked around, and realized that I was trapped. That despite all the progress made in several key areas, I still felt the cage bird cry. Ruffling hypothetical feathers under eyelids.

A moment, as well, continues to exist when I stood in the bathroom, taking out my contacts, thinking about how much I miss someone even though I saw him/her a couple days ago, but wasn't able to stop time long enough to bend an ear. Even as he/she walked by quickly and I remember that he/she is, in fact, the best friend I've ever had, and that I really need him/her to give me a hug right now.

A moment will continue to exist as I look at the mirror and remember that my blood sugar levels haven't been below 190 today, and that right before class I had no idea what I was reading for over an hour and my tester blinked "KEYTONES?". Thoughts of insulin firming up along the sides of my esophagus along with traces of a bronchial tube widener equally clinging.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Continuing a current trend...

There (SEE!!!) was a comment posted by a friend of mine, whom I love dearly and who's advice I seek out like he to the guitar section of any music store, consisting of quotes from Bahá’u’lláh’s Writings that he and then I found reinforced and supported what I've been writing about over the last week; me being a writer. And I really wanted to post them for all to see and think about.


"True reliance is for the servant to pursue his profession and calling in this world, to hold fast unto the Lord, to seek naught but His graces, inasmuch as in His hands is the destiny of all His servants." -- Bahá’u’lláh


"O My Servant! The best of men are they that earn a livelihood by their calling and spend upon themselves and upon their kindred for the love of God, the Lord of all worlds." -- Bahá’u’lláh

Sunday, October 08, 2006

I don't like that I begin so many posts with words that start with 't'...

...and that's odd and great.

As my life continues - it's supposed to do this, obviously - with progress and regress and egress I've been told of my most recent trend. The most recent event/struggle that I'll continue to deal with for however it takes to get over it. Now, yes, it's weird that I said that someone told me this. That it didn't have anything to do with any real and direct thoughts or sparks to get me thinking, this was given to me rather fat-baby-on-a-lappedly; lappedly, it's one of mine. And yet, there it is, like a fat baby in the lap; see how that works, I enjoy happy, fat babies; they make me smile internally. Since I was given this gift - I'm calling it a gift for the obvious notion that the comment was made out of love, and was an indication that egress was soon approaching; or so I had perceived it - I've thought about it and realized a vicious train. This gift was recognizing that my immediate problem lies in productivity.

There was an extension, of course, of this in the idea that it stems from the concept that men are "supposed" to be productive. They're lives are measured by the things they accomplished, money they've raked in, children they've brought into the world, etc instead of simply being loved, respected, and admired for being men. This, it seems, is my problem. I'm stuck within that snake-swallow-its-tail (I like dashing words together. Dashing), perpetual motion of believing the world around me. Accepting its pitfalls instead of recognizing those pits, probably full of snakes trying to eat each other, falling.

Having something to do with me not having a consistent job for several months may also play a pivotal role as well, as a reminder of this issue. The kind of reminder that slides into your bed sheets on open-air nights, the sounds of animals was what lulled you to sleep in the first place. Another possible contributor might be family. As a half-Persian who was raised really, really Persian, those kinds of things are stressed. "How are you going to support a family?" "How are you going to be happy without money?" And, without having to say it: "How will anyone ever love you, marry you if you aren't being a man, successful, powerful, measured?" All right, so on that last one I ended up stretching and injecting my own structuralized vision of how I'm seeing things, but that's how things seem. A couple of those questions have been asked of me recently and I've crumbled. As if a part of me knows that they may be right, if only because it's been helixed into every DNA strand or woven into every story.

The painful part is the struggle involved right there. The Writings tell us that a detachment from material things is paramount to living a spiritual life; which is the ultimate goal. But the television and friends and the crux of our society hammers into us the "facts" that everyone wishes they were wealthy drove a BMW or Mercedes, slept with millions of "beautiful women", lived in a mansion on the California coast with stuff nearly falling out the doors. I've never wanted any of that. When I ask myself honestly if those things would make me happy, I keep coming back to a picture of a me popping my head out the front door of a bungalow or condo, inviting whomever I meet in for prayers, and mowing my lawn for myself.

I've always been a simple thinker in certain ways, and the most important of those ways has been living. I want that detached life. It's what my inner reality is built upon, the vision that if I want to live and be as Abdu’l-Bahá did, I need to strip my life down. Would I be happy in a giant house? No. I wouldn't. I saw people who lived that life in Texas and all too many of them didn't seem happy in the least bit. Some did and those people are wonderful and I love them, but those people are not me. I want to fill my soul with joyful, artistic, creative things and my home with my family. A HD-TV would make the outside world clearer, sure, but when did we start thinking that the outside world is right for everyone? It may be for some, but not for me.

Happiness, productivity, and the things I hope define me will be my deeds, the love I give out freely, and my unceasing devotion to Bahá’u’lláh message of unity and love. So, maybe with a few more of these types of entries I can unhinge that former clenched jaw of what makes others happy and reattach another that better reflects what exists in my heart. Him.

When you feel it, you know it to be true

I attended a Pre-Youth/Youth...thingy tonight at the House of Worship where the subject of deepening/discussion was the spirit and soul. At no point had I ever really deepened or read anything regarding the interconnectedness of the two, their purposes in the universe but was given a general explaination, briefly, at another deepening on the Fund. The idea here is that the soul is connected to the body/mind through the spirit. That's the simple way of looking at things.

The discussion was facinating as a few people gave their opinions and asked questions that raised further opinions and personal understandings. Afterwards, we were treated by a talk by Scott Conrad about the historical Baha'is of North America. Anyway, these things are all very important, more important that I'm giving credence to at this exact moment, but I'm interested in delving into something else. A something else that took place, like a bubble, around all these events. Someone gave me a gift that I don't know how to repay or how to express my elation about.

Recently, I've discovered that I require reinforcement, positive comments to keep me on track, and I got that in a big way. Since using the person's name might actually make them uncomfortable, I'll simply use "my friend" instead. So, my friend and I were talking about a few different things, about the realization that I mentioned at the start of this paragraph, my health, the station of my emotions, and my knowledge of being a writer. My friend then told me that a while ago someone came up and told my friend that what they did was incredible and important, and that they should exercise it as much as possible as it will be beneficial to both my friend's self and the Faith as a whole. Then my friend stated that when I came over to visit a while ago and I read something that I had written, my friend was stunned. My friend told me that when hearing it it was obvious that it was a "unique voice". Now, I could continue trying to remember all that was said but I don't think it's all that important. What seems, and is important is that when it was said I knew it was true. I felt it. Not only as a positive statement that buttresses something internal but as something that I recognized within me instantly. It was there and I knew it was there. I've actually never felt that way before. Ever. And I don't think I'll ever be able to thank my friend enough.

After that, the rest of the night became a cake walk. Forgot about the twitch in my eye from stress, the pains in my hip and knee, and my questions about who and what I am to become.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Hello Myself, Meet Myself

When people present me with a problem, I tend to want to offer a hand. Anything I can do to help them in which ever situation they're in. It's automatic most of the time. There was a realization, an internal, two voice monologue that was created with me in a cape, arms akimbo. While there I would have one self discussing with another self. A sort of rational thought David conversing with psuedo-superhero David. Now, this does, in fact, sound odd. The separation of a person into parts to resolve problems works for me though. I feel I'm able to address one aspect that may be problematic, troublesome, irrational, or frightened by the collective rational, level-headedness, and calm of my overall self. Even other times I prefer to sit all sides around a giant table and remind them/me that my spirit is happy, and that all the tests in my life are marginal in reality. In this case there is the superhero.

As it stands, I do want to help everyone who asks for it. It has become a large part of me. However, in my past, I probably looked for these issues or stood on a street corner with a "animated", neon sign of me dressed normally, a tornado of clothes and limbs, and me in a cape, akimbo, with confidence brimming through my sparkle, sparkle teeth. Either way, things have changed; I've changed, and I continue to do so and will well after I die; it's a process. The wild thing that I've gleaned today from a conversation as been that I really don't know in what response works best for each person. It's not innate in me. I'm sure it exists in small pockets through my body but not in one select spot that can been pipped in to and, with the turn of a spoked nosal, turned on and off. But it's true, I do want to help people. Not the way I did things before. Capes never suited me. I wish for the complex that was part of my past and helped me to better understand myself and others remain at that very large table. Because when I step up to the head of that table, smile, and remind the shards of self that I'm a good person regardless of whether or not I'm a superhero I want to believe that not offering to do something often times is like turning down a beggar, as you're only helping that person for that one moment and not the rest of their life. And yes, I realize now that this whole metaphor of me understanding that I'm no longer a superhero could be rewritten to focus on the beggar aspect but it's two thirty at night, my room is warm after asking for the gauge to be turned up, and I remembered to wear my immobilizer. Hopefully it will help to prevent the weird feelings I've been having about my knee even though I know only PT will cure that.

And anyway, that's a whole other entry that I'll probably sit in my bed and write at midnight, one, or two in the morning and mention the temperature in my room.

Friday, October 06, 2006

44 degrees outside...

...55 degrees inside.

It's a difficult thing, walking into your parent's room to turn the heat on to stop myself from coughing, freezing and generally being uncomfortable under two think blankets and sheets. Now, most would ask what's wrong with that? My body's warm, after all, isn't it? Sure it is. Kind of. My face, on the other hand and my poorly circulated feet and hands, aren't so lucky. Making the coughing more persistent. No, no, I'm fine. Just having fun seeing my own warm breath like steam coming off an asphalt street in summer. That's all.

Did I also mention that I was born in Texas and love the heat? I'm sure I said that at some point, or constantly; which ever.

Self Proclamations and Speech-like Ramblings Abound!!

There's this world that exists. It's one of suggestions of form, function and service. One of unwanted, unhappy, hard to remove fabrications that tend to float like moon's whose gravity will eventually pull them closer to a planet, smashing it into little pieces; to become new moons, float and cycle explosion. There's a very defined way of resolving this world, creating a balm to be applied, but it's not one that can be described and executed easily. There's a section in the Baha'i Prayer Book dedicated to it, however. To read from it every morning, before understanding what exactly was going on, made things worse. Questions just continued to expand out. Then, I had a conversation a couple days ago. I found out what this world is constructed from, and how important it is to find or create resolution.

So, here goes the first step, I suppose. My name is David Faroz Precht. I am a fantastic writer. I am a great musician and artist. I am not what the world creates for me as I can very easily create a world with pencil and paper, snare drum and stick, finger tip and keyboard, concept and creation all of my own. Turn the tables instead of accepting, without questions, the limitations of others and lamentations of my own self trapped, saying prayers for Detachment. God and I have a plan even though this rambled blog might not. And I'm excited to embrace it again. To delve wholly into, with all my being, and produce something that no on this earth has seen before.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Presentation Green-ness

I've been battling the ALDS and NLDS all day. For those unfamiliar, today was the first day of the division series for baseball (Twins vs. A's, Tigers vs. Yankees, Padres vs. Cardinals , Dodgers vs. Mets; each first team mentioned would be the teams I'm rooting for.), leading up to the World Series near the end of the month. They've been good games thus far, watching Zito and Santana square off, Zito won, was pretty incredible. The problem here is that I have this presentation that I have to give at Motorola tomorrow, and am having a tough time figuring out what all to include. So, I thought the best way of resolving this issue would be to write something out, get some writing and thoughts out in the hope that it will assist in the overall creation of this presentation.

How does one create a presentation about oneself for a job interview? I'm sure that some people would have no problem with this. Understanding that the business side of them is so solid and evident they can very simply hammer through a description without dealing with the pitfalls I have. How do I talk about myself? Do I speak truthfully, or give them what I know they want to hear? What they want to hear is my technical expertise. They want to know that I can create a spreadsheet, a powerpoint presentation, and manage a website with ease. The truth? I want to talk about my versatility. About my strength in learning things, my drive to gather up as much information as possible, and the ability to take charge of things without a second's thought.

As I write this I feel the pull toward the truth but understand the need for balance, so, I suppose that's my answer, right? Use both equally in an attempt to be as complete as I can be without fudging things up.

Now, if only I could figure out where to start from...


Post Script - No idea if what I did was terrible, but I have a feeling it doesn't matter.

"This is my Dojo"

I've spent the last week in a positive, loving environment. No yelling or screaming or judging took place, simply respecting one another and compromising when differences arise. These are fundamental things this family lacks along with consultation. They're things we need to work on.

While staying with Jon, Patrick, and Ben I realized the way things should be. Each one of the guys took time at least once a week to talk about what is going on. Not in a reporting fashion, but checking up, showing concern, and offering themselves if the other person needed someone to speak with. Never did they pry, never did they judge or assume that something was wrong. It had everything to do with concern and interested in learning. When I say interested in learning, what I mean is that they don't know each other all that much. As with everyone there are new things to learn with every conversation, and at no point will we ever full understand each other. So, they attempted to gather up what they could to ensure that their living arrangement continued out of love. As well, based simply on how I would like things to be, it doesn't seem prudent for issues and problems to fester. They should be resolved and discussed, consulted and deepened upon. If we are able to spend our time resolving problems through consultation and discussion, we'll become detached from argumentative tendencies.

All three of the men I stayed with knew my condition. They knew I didn't have a job, knew that I didn't have money, and knew the difficulties that had conspired in causing me to leave but they didn't seem to care all that much. What I mean to say is that they understood, accepted, and remained positive until those deficiencies and problem resolved themselves. At no point did they try to remind me that I didn't have a job, they didn't have to. I knew I didn't have one, and they recognized that the last thing someone needs is to be reminded of a deficiency. As well, at no point did they say that I needed to get some money. Again, they saw the deficiency, accepted it, and, again, recognized that no one in a mental state of money-lessness (I would say poverty, but found it to be too strong a word) wants to be reminded of their money-lessness. They smiled offered their help, never even mentioning that I didn't have any money. Lastly, the problems that had arisen by way of family and injury. They offered their understanding, their support, ice packs, tape, and an ear. Never once reminding me of what had befallen me, and if I brought it up, they would remind me that it's all temporary and showered me with love.

This is what I just came from, and, quite honestly, I didn't entirely want to leave. I was happy there with people who recognized that things were going well and loved me regardless.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Mistakes made awesome

So, Jon and I decided to not sit around the apartment tonight, but to go to a movie. We decided on Jet Lee's Fearless. He talks Lindsey into joining us, in her slightly sick position, and we make our way. We get there, look at what's showing, and notice "The Illusionist", a movie she and I both thought was "The Prestige" is playing as well. We get Jon to agree on the change, and Lindsey and I get excited. We all love Christopher Nolan, Christian Bale, and Michael Caine, but, as I said, this was not that movie. This is the movie with Edward Norton, Paul Giamatti, and Jessica Biel. Big difference! The weird thing was, however, the confusion could be construed not only by title but, somewhat, by subject matter. Both movies involve magicians, of sorts. And both, or so I hope, kick ass. The other similarity being that they both begin with "The". It's easy to be confused by such things.

Here's the point of all this rambling. Go see both of them. Size them up. Check their tires. But I'm saying it now, they'll both be good. AND!, most importantly, they will begin with the word "The".


Post Script - I realize, now, after I've written this how completely unnecessary it is. This just furthers the point I made in the previous post about the nature of this beast I have birthed. Whatever. Time for sleep!

Friday, September 22, 2006

I haven't written anything in a while. I suppose this can, in several capacities, be considered lying as I promised myself and the blog gods that I would write a lot. Even vomitting forth a list of subjects to which I was planning to address. The truth of the matter is I've been somewhat busy. There have been developments on two fronts: positive and negative.
First, the positive, I've officially been accepted for a diabetes research study for inhaled insulin. This is kind of a big deal, a huge deal, a MONUMENTAL deal to me and my...well, family. Reason being, I won't have any medical bills for my diabetes, if all goes well, for the next 2 years. Yeah. 2 years worth of free diabetic care. That's a $2,000 a year or more weight pushed off my shoulders.


The negative, on the other hand, has been terrified to walk, to move, to do anything save sit in this chair, in front of the television. Due to a new knee dislocation.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

I like to move it, move it...

I have a lot I'm trying to write right now (HA!), and I haven't arrived at a finished anything. Actually, I haven't even arrived at a first draft 'anything' yet, but will soon. In fact, I am, right now, clacking this down, sitting in bed with a freshly iced hip, in dire need for sleep – exhausted, still from the lack of sleep achieved at Green Lake and the transporting of furniture and boxes from Jessica and Lindsey’s old to new place – but that’s neither here nor there. The topics I’m looking at include but are not limited to my weekend at Green Lake, the philosophy class I am currently taking at Oakton, a variety of personal politics, and my love for Bahá’u’lláh. Heck, I might even through some analysis of Snakes on a Plane, in response to several people’s own comments, or my love for the second to last detachment prayer, I think that’s right, in the newly printed Bahá’í Prayer book. Woah! I may even delve into the dissection of people. Yeah, I should get started on that as people are fascinatingly wonder.


So, as this is less of a literary entry and more along the lines of “diary normalé”, I would sure like to suggest that everyone go out of your way to listen to Denison Marrs’ Then Is the New Now, Gnarls Barkley’s St. Elsewhere, Band of Horses’ Everything All the Time, and Elliott Smith’s Figure 8! I would also like to suggest Adib Taherzadeh's series of books The Revelation of Bahá’u’lláh


Bye for now!

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Building Steam

In my sophomore year of school I went through a fog. Not the kind that impairs your driving like a cataract or disallows you from seeing where you're stepping, the kind that impairs your thinking and disallows you from seeing where you're...well, mentally, I mean. It started in a car ride with my friend Victor, listening to Dj Shadow's Endtroducing. Before the second track cut in I had already been feeling something creep from the back-seat of my 1990 Honda Accord. Something slow and deliberate, like it was mentioned to me before hand by someone or prophesied by a Persian palm reader with "years of experience". Something half expected and yet a surprise. We were on Rand Road, near Euclid. The track began with constant piano, underlined by an emptiness for accompaniment. The kind of blankness that could be filled by something upbeat or a smooth groove, but it's not. Soon, an equally calculated drum beat followed, abruptly. The without-warning/foreboding/vacant beat does very little, doesn't provide a lot of movement, and he tells me it feels like we're being followed. I checked the rearview mirror and he the passenger-side view.

And that's how it began. The drive back to school from my visit home was longer thinking about that song, the atmosphere and fog laying it's foundation. The usually three and half hour drive turned into the entire night. From sun down 'til about two or three in the morning I drove. The landscape of soy and corn and nothing is even more blank than I'm used to in the dark as I kept checking my rearview, elaborating on the story and hitting back on the disc player.

I don't think I slept well that night, upon my arrival to my apartment. The bed didn't fit me or the computer conversations kept me up, frozen to the screen of a computer that I no longer own. The aggregating emanations from the processing plant several miles away - pungent enough to cause drunk, college students to vomit upon escaping from their alcohol soaked dorm rooms in the coming morning - made me cough enough to want to close the window. I've never drank, never had the desire, really. At the time I told people that it was my Faith that kept it away from me, but I realize now I was hardly faithful and didn't drink because I was conscious to see what it did to others while, I guess, they didn't. The more I think about it, it had far more to do with believing that I was still faithful. The illusion kept constant.

I went in for a meeting with my independent study professor to talk about my portfolio of writing. He told me I needed more than just poetry to fill it up. Some diversity would help my grade as well as my own needs as a college student. I told him I had the idea, I just needed to flesh it out. I told him about a typewriter that I had found at the thrift store for five bucks, and that it worked. I was going to write a story, based on a song that I loved. He told me he liked the cross media link between writing and music, that I might want to spend some time writing more about the music, movies and arts that I encountered. Try to capture the aesthetic, he said; instead of just the moment, I thought.

Most of the writing for the story didn't take place on the typewriter, but in a notebook that I preferred at the time. If the me from now told the me from then that I would be using a computer or laptop more to write I would have laughed. I valued the tactile response of writing; the feeling of pencil on paper, sound of the eraser against the wooden walls of the desk I frequented on the second floor of the library that permeated the smell of the old books. The pages, piling up as I tore them out to show my professor the progress I had made, seem a lot more dark than what I normally wrote. The graphite smears personified my fog. As incorrect spelling accented and dug me deeper into my self-deprocating delusion.

I don't think I liked a word on those pages, never enjoyed the act of writing them, but I continued to do so. Perhaps out of fear for my grades, perhaps out of fear that if I stopped my fog would only grow rampant, or, more probably, the fear that by getting all of this out I could rekindle the love for myself, for God, my parents, friends, self respect that I had lost since... Looking back, I realize that most of my writing was not written positively like I told myself and others, and the rest out of sheer pomposity.

Now, this all sounds like I've grown to regret my previous writing and self. That hate or dislike that former self. On the contrary. I just no longer worship and foster that darker lens. I don't allow it to take over and, for whatever reason, enjoy the bite of the fog. Instead, that self exists with all the other periods of my life, in my head, around a table. Near the front. So that I can show them I know, now, how to get out of the fog instead of embracing it.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Long Time?

I've been sitting on my bed, staring at the screen, trying to weigh some things and understand some others. At this junction, I'm thinking about newness. The idea that in the chaos of the world a new understanding or feeling can be recognized and felt. And I think I'm there.
As it is, I'm far more at peace with several things. At first I thought I was simply confused, or losing the grip of knowing who I am. Instead, it would appear as thought this is not the case, but that I'm the same person in a different, more detached state. I see the world around me, but it's far away, not affecting me in the same way it once did. The problems of others no longer feel like they're mine to burden, carry or solve. I'm awake, standing in a empty field. And it's not that I'm ignoring the people around me or don't care about them, but that I'm attempting to dive into myself. To spend the time that I have to formulate, write and edit the contents of that glob of grey in my head. To walk down Clarke Street without my bag, wallet, keys or phone. With a giant nine-pointed star on my shirt or a message about love and Baha'u'llah and His message. With a smile, knowing that it shouldn't matter if I'm in constant connection with everyone, if I have AIM on at all times in case someone needs to speak with me, or if I leave my phone at home.
It's all very positive. Since I bought this laptop, I'm disconnected from people and reconnected to knowledge and reading and understanding and media. I'm reading books and articles, watching televisions shows that I enjoy and movies that I've missed. None of this seems like it's of any consequence to anyone, but it's the things that I really want to do. To sit, absorb and forget that the windows in Maryam's apartment in Haifa were blown out or that I have no job or that Jon is confused as to where he needs to be. I'm comforted by the fact that everything is within God's plan and nothing can stop Him from completing it. Wars, drought, gas prices, unemployment are simply signs that something has to change. Things must get worse before they get better, and it's best to recognize and accept these things than struggle and fight over them.
Though I realize that I've mumbled and meandered here I feel like I've gotten a lot down. Perhaps not on this page/blog entry but in my head. That's all that matters, after all. If we're able to understand ourselves, get to the very core of our beings and find peace with ourselves happiness can be attained.
All right, I'm going to go write in the gardens at the House of Worship before I interview some people. BYE!

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Consensous

X3 was terrible.

Superman Returns was great.

DC - 2, Marvel - 1/2

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

If it ended today

I was given an audience today by my boss, around eight thirty in her office. She actually didn't schedule anything as much as she walked over and asked me if now was a good time to meet regarding the email I sent her yesterday. We sat down and I began as my butt hit the black, canvas chair, "I was hired on for a special project that was to last four to six weeks." "Right." "I've been here nearly three months. What is the status of this?"


She proceeded to tell me that things didn't take off as they thought they would, and the special project hadn't grown at all but flopped around like the only fish left in what was once a creek. Then she killed the fish. "I couldn't see us keeping you past the middle of July." When was this decision made? Was there some plan to have a ninja drop a pink slip on my desk to disappear just as quickly? Leaving me to my leaving?


So, it looks as though I'll be canned in the next two weeks. My job search has become frantic, arms and phone flailing, trying to find a lake, river or pond to supplant myself. There's a quote in Ruhi Book One about the "privacy of his chamber" that our Study Circle had been discussing this past Monday. The chamber is obviously something physical, but could it also be something within us? A place we can go to connect with God? The kind of connection found only when we open ourselves up and allow the chamber to be occupied by God and ourselves. To be comforted, genuine and One.


I have some work ahead of me.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Positive Introspection

I met with Julie Walker yesterday morning in the African themed office of her olive home. Orange, brown and yellow earth-tone images of flat lands, stereotypical African animals viewed as if through a camera with a child-like lense. The kind that simplifies things. Turns an otherwise complex scene of a "man eating" animal into something to walk up to, pet and nestle matted fur. Fall asleep to the giant beasts heaving chest. To yank on mane without recourse. I sat in a non-descript, brown chair as she initially scanned me with her eyes, trying to conjure up some kind of idea as to what she saw when she looked at me. Images of organs in movement, blood, in intervals, pumped into and out of the heart, an electrical impulse sprinting up thin chords to the brain? How would I look? She occasionally looked down at a stack of papers, photocopies, nearly blank, with three pictures running along the left side to take down quick notes. The first two images were actually next to each other moving left to right, of the human body; one of the body as if the skin had been removed, the other as if the muscles had been removed. It reminded me of this short statue of the human body my dad passed down to me when I was a kid. It frightened me at night, standing upright on the metal shelving, a clear plastic layer encasing the body allowing anyone to see every organ. A small piece of browned, aging tape would keep the "door" the size of three-quarters of the torso shut on the front to prevent the small intestines and lungs from falling out and clanging against the brown colored aluminum below. I would wake up in the middle of the night and see it looking down at me, looking through me as I did to it. Like a test subject or an American doctor to his/her patient. I felt ashamed knowing that I could see all its parts, and it's lifeless, painted eyes could do nothing but look straight. The last image, at the bottom, left of the page was of a start with four circles. The first circle surrounded the star and seemed to do little more than encapsulate the image, add an enclosure for the artistic work within it. The other circles were housed within the start itself, one seemingly growing from the other. She explained that one represented God, the next his manifestations and the last humanity. It lay on the page as a different interpretation of the Baha'i ring stone symbol, one to be used by Ms. Walker to diagram what she saw of the spirit.


She looked me over several times, her eyes rifling back and forth across and down my body as if studying it intently. Letting out interested breaths that were surprisingly uninvasive and in some how different from when a random gent off the street looks, memorizes a passerby. Soon there after she began asking questions and offering up observations of what she saw. Her words seemed so close to me, so incredibly exact to what I heard every day in my own head that I refused to look away unless diving into my own memories to answer a question she had posed for me. After the meeting, my satisfaction worn across my face, I walked to my car in what would be described by others as a jaunt meditating on specifics. Moderating a conversation inside my head about the last hour. Spending time to detach myself from anything but the millions of images, thoughts and concepts that lined up, single file to be heard.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

My thoughts and tears go out to the Baha'is of Shiraz and Egypt alike

Recently, I have been informed of the arrest of 54 Baha'i youths in Shiraz, Iran. These youths were arrested as they, along with non-Baha'is, taught English, reading and writing to those who are less fortunate then themselves. These types of events are conducive to the history of the Baha'i Faith in Iran. Arrests, long-term imprisonment and general persecution of Baha'is and non-Muslims in Muslim countries have increased and there seems to be no end in site. This, along with recent talks about creating tags for non-Muslims in Iran, heightens my fear for what will happen to Baha'is, Christians, Jews and other religious minorities in the country. For the full story...


As well, the government of Egypt has begun fighting a recent court decision to grant Baha'is full citizenship. The following article explains the situation. Currently, Judaism and Christianity are the only two religious minorities recognized by the government, and the only way for a Baha'i to gain full citizenship would be to renounce their Faith; which, will not happen, regardless of the punishments.


These situations are very real, and while many of those who read this and other blogs like it may be having a venomous or revenge oriented reactions, it's important to remember that Love is the only way to break down the injustices that occur around the world, not anger and rancor. My thoughts, prayers and tears are with those Baha'is and non-Baha'is alike whose rights are being violated in Egypt and Iran.


For anyone who is looking for a proactive way to help in such matters, please contact me through the comments section of this post and we can discuss possible options. Thank you very much.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Tiger Pistol Shrimp are amazing!

I would like to thank Jon for telling me about the tiger pistol shrimp. I mean, wow! They create a sound so loud that it creates light.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

If you wish to destroy me...you've suceeded

My boss is listening to a Dave Matthews Band live CD...and I want to tear my ears off...or kill myself.

I'm reminded of one of my favorite Simpsons lines ever

Bart - "It looks like Santa's Little Help's trying to jump over the dog, but he just can't make it. You can do it, boy!"

Marge - "Oh, my."

Track Announcer - "This is the end," pause, "this, is the end of dog racing."

Monday, May 15, 2006

Just past the passerbys

There's something very unsettling about anyone who stares at another person, let alone a young person, at work for several minutes on end, multiple times a day. Especially when we're talking about a gentleman who quickly turns (noticeably), leaned back in his computer chair, arms over his head. He sits there as I continue working on data entry, his shirt lifted up because of his arms, about two inches of his stomach curling out in a disturbing relaxation. Inhaling another gust, possibly trying to intimidate with unblinking ridgedness. It's possible that it's better he sit next to me instead of one of the women in the other room who would very easily claim sexual harassment after too many glaring eyes and protruding bellies. As he shoots a snot rocket into his right hand, and licks it off like a Kodak bear.


Actually, there's something unsettling about the quick head turned looks out the window at any member of the opposite sex. Followed closely by a even more unsettling grown. Have I mentioned that I'm not a fan of working here? I thought I had. Can't recall if I made note of that.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

The Way We Move Reflected in Flowery Language

I've arrived at an inpass here. A snow covered 'T' intersection where I'm not even sure where I started from. Probably not nearly as dramatic a scene as I've just described, but equally as confusing. It goes like this: My job is not challenging, but the activities outside of work that I've been able to participate in are. What I do here is, essentially, copy information about doctors into the database or correct the mistakes of others; I've even been asked to double check other people's work on different occasions. What I'm doing outside of this place is far more exciting. For as long as I've been here I've complained about the lack of a challenge, the void in the "I actually have to spend some time to think about this one" activities. The absence of any kind of lucid...anything. The reality of the matter is that I've been able to supplement everything here with something outside of here, and that seems to make the job a little easier to bare. As I punch in names, file forms or verify and alphabetize questioners I've been attempting to think about what I'll be doing later. A sort of prepatory exercise revolving around keeping me sane and away from making crazy comments that turn into a "thing" and I never hear the end of it; it's annoying to know that after joking about how funny it would be to eat a penguin, the people here would continue to bring it up, even after I made it perfectly clear that I wasn't being serious (and after several weeks since) - on a crutch, I say.


Today, I sit and stare at the screen, knowing that if I visit websites outside of our network our IT guy will come by and publicly make a condescending remark about how he's going to block me despite the rest of the offices' glaring use of the same sites, not having any work and pondering what I'll be doing tonight. We have our second Cluster Coordinating Committee meeting [I know that there will be many who read this who will have no idea what a Cluster is, so I'll supply an explanation. A Cluster is, essentially, a group of communities, cities, towns, etc that have been grouped together in an effort to better facilitate growth of the Bahá’í Faith. As well, it's a way for people to bond together, and possibly get different ideas based on what other communities may be doing (eg. - Devotionals, Firesides, Children's Classes, Pre-Youth and -Youth Classes and the like).] at 7:30. The group will talk about the activities of Cluster 18, what we can do to better spread news about these activities and the planning of a Cluster Reflection Gathering, a meeting for our Cluster where we talk about what we're doing and what we can be doing better.


Yesterday, I met with Ken Bowers to network and generally get advice as to what I am doing in my professional life. Right or wrong path? Healthy or unhealthy choices? The meeting went well. However, a single question "...what about service to the Faith?" continues to have me wondering if I do enough for this religion that I love so much, or if there is something more I could be doing. Something more focused or more purposeful? Then, I snap back to this desk, this computer and one of my coworkers from the other room. We began briefly talking about the Faith after she noticed pictures of the House of Worship in India and the model for the one in Chile. She asked if "all the temples reflected nature?" and I said "yes". Ignoring that I should have probably explained that those two Houses of Worship were more nature reflective while the others more cultural reflective, and then it strikes me like a slap between the shoulder blades. Service to the Faith is specific to each person save one aspect. Some play the guitar and sing, others edit materials to be printed in books and still others patrol the grounds to insure the safety of anyone who steps upon the grounds. They all, however, teach.


Maybe I should get back to work now. Anticipating the next time someone asks me about the "beautiful buildings" that are the background.

We'll see what comes of this

Yesterday, I had a meeting with Ken. It was incredible!

Monday, May 01, 2006

That's right, a post about peanuts

I'm not sure I know the difference between "blister peanuts" and regular peanuts, but these things are incredible! Unsalted, sucka!

Afternote: I finished the peanuts, and they were awesome.

Disjointed

I realize I post a lot about my job, so I'm going to try to come up with some different subject matters to attend to in the coming week

For the last few days, when I have some "downtown" here at the office [laughable], I've been asked to input addresses from fliers that have been "returned to sender" along with the reason why and any possible new address the post office may have on file attached by way of a yellow address label. The front of the fliers boast "an overview for non-injectors". There are also an assortment of artistically gritty syringes and a few bullseyes with the words "Exploring the Advantages of Botulinum Toxin Therapy" across the top in white letters. Each name and subsequent address I submit to the list allows for my brain to stroke off or explore thoughts of how much I would love to be working anywhere else. Somewhere with a better challenge than "can I beat the number of return mail I can input within a set amount of time?" In a cube, possibly, not surrounded by four gents, well into their thirties, who are on the phones with doctors or pharmaceutical reps discussing their registration for speaker training or classes that will earn them CME credit. They cocoon me in what some might consider white noise [gassy white noise] or enough background to allow them to focus on the tasks that are given to them. For me, it's not like that at all. I'm unable to drown out the sounds around me. Can't plug headphones in to create a tempo.

Last night I spoke with my dad about convention. About the reports given, the newsreel and some of the consultation centering around the decay of the society around us; the first two topics had us smiling, the latter turned brows into a concerned furrow. I lingered back onto work, and told him that I had had enough. Crossing my arms, looking off into my mother's closet and shifting my weight from one foot to another. That I was interested in having a conversation with Ken Bowers or Bob Henderson about what I'm doing with myself, what I could be doing and asking them for any advice or ideas or networking for a man who's mind has become ADD because of the lack of stimulation in the workplace and a growing fear that my spirit may be effected as well.

The conversation around me turns to the Bulls' victory last night and into the small talk of people who don't know anything substantial about each other. Who can't trust or love those around them because they simply don't have that model or have never been in that situation or thought about love as being a way for groups/teams in the office to work effectively together, to stimulate consultation. It's incredible to note just how much I was able to glean from the time I spent running around the House of Worship with bottles of water to restock or a van to pack up. Sounds silly, but hearing that after a very passionate speech about racism all the delegates cried and hugged each other, whether they knew anything about each other or not.

I'm rambling out of frustration and a lack of anything to do here. Hope you all are well! You all smell terrible. Especially all of you.


Afternote: Next week, appointment with the incomperable Ken Bowers.

Note to self...

All religions teach that we should love one another; that we should seek out our own shortcomings before we presume to condemn the faults of others, that we must not consider ourselves superior to our neighbours! We must be careful not to exalt ourselves lest we be humiliated.

Who are we that we should judge? How shall we know who, in the sight of God, is the most upright man? God's thoughts are not like our thoughts! How many men who have seemed saint-like to their friends have fallen into the greatest humiliation. Think of Judas Iscariot; he began well, but remember his end! On the other hand, Paul, the Apostle, was in his early life an enemy of Christ, whilst later he became His most faithful servant. How then can we flatter ourselves and despise others?

Let us therefore be humble, without prejudices, preferring others' good to our own! Let us never say, 'I am a believer but he is an infidel', 'I am near to God, whilst he is an outcast'. We can never know what will be the final judgment! Therefore let us help all who are in need of any kind of assistance.

Let us teach the ignorant, and take care of the young child until he grows to maturity. When we find a person fallen into the depths of misery or sin we must be kind to him, take him by the hand, help him to regain his footing, his strength; we must guide him with love and tenderness, treat him as a friend not as an enemy.

We have no right to look upon any of our fellow-mortals as evil.


(Abdu'l-Baha, Paris Talks, p. 147)

Thursday, April 27, 2006

My headache is caused by...

A) an Elton John live album playing directly next to me

B) the supreme lack of sleep I've accumulated over the week

C) staring at this screen for the last few hours

D) thoughts of how busy my weekend will be

E) remembering the errands I need to run

F) an extremely high blood sugar level

or G) all of the above

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Thank you's all around

I would like to thank everyone. Over the last week or so I've spoken with many people about how bored I was with my job here, and how difficult I found it to continue coming in. The good news, however, is that I just accepted a better position, albeit temporary, here for a sizable pay increase. And it's all thanks to the thoughts and prayers of everyone who showed concern.

I love you all! Thank you for being so incredible!

My thoughts and prayers go out to the Brown Family

Monday, April 24, 2006

Maple Leaves Still haven't Appeared on the Branches Above

We had a conversation in my car, parked in the lot right outside your dorm with the car still on as per usual. You drooped your shoulders after three hours of dancing in the main room at the JJL signifying that your general state of joy and elation in front of your friends had returned to the thoughts that had bounced like a rock falling into the Grand Canyon. They continued as they had been. Your decision. Explaining that someone had spoken negatively regarding Gordon, the gentleman who you had fallen away from and been attracted back recently. The choice was yours to make, you tell me and I nod. Nothing I haven't heard before, but the actions of others force one to repeat previous statements, consistently, leaving you dismembered; head down that canyon, body standing around, arms crossed waiting for the head to miraculously fly back out and land back on it's shoulders. Maybe the head will come back, but not permanently. You tell me of your feelings for him, and I don't have to nod; I know. The way you speak of him moves in tandem with your own personality. Like a connection that you have figured out.


I then tell you that what people have been saying, that they believe something is happening between you and I and you're surprised. Why didn't they come to you, you ask. You weren't satisfied with my shrug and neither was I. Then my mouth opens even though I know it probably shouldn't have; a quaint threat. You don't swallow. I tell you that it didn't effect me as much as it did looking back, then. I turned the lights off one more click and tell you that people trust you, love you and will support your decisions. They're just concerned, and within reason.


You're looking at an old tree to your right, a vague representation of how you might possibly view what has happened. The general time it has taken for things to go to hell, right themselves and continue in flux mimics the rings beneath the chipping bark; accelerated by your wish for things to be normalized. I look at the keys, the stereo, the dimmed time and back up at you. You're still jarred - or so it appears - and not moving at all in the passenger seat.