Post Job, Day 13: The excuses

Yesterday, I decided to take the day off. I remember doing very little, if anything, to further my situation at school. That's...pretty much it.

There's been a funk seeping like the water from the washing machine upstairs into my brain and soul, brown from collecting dust and rust flakes. It's lethargy, I think. That belief that I shouldn't do much of anything, ever save sitting around and feeling sorry for myself. That, unfortunately, hasn't helped anything, however, yet it persists.

Today, was a different story, I suppose. I woke up, late, and began my day slowly. It's obvious my pace and mindset stems from the malaises that is life right now. I'm unhappy with being dropped, can't accept it, and am being a bit of a baby about it. Scratch that, a huge baby about it. This is something I should have pushed through quite some time ago. Should have been able to conquer the fear over the unknown next step and accepted it instead of this childish sitting around in my underwear, watching movies or television shows as work piles up both at my former place of business and the projects I claim to be working on. The truth is, I'm not. And that, what?, makes me less then I know I can be. It leaves me sitting in my head, shaking in disgust at what I see that I'm doing. You know, nothing.

Not only is this a problem with my professional life but with personal life as well. I'm trying to make progress, align myself correctly with the stages I should be involved in for my age, and be on the look out for that "someone". Problem is, I'm not. I'm just here, in front of my desk like a sad sack of crap. And now I'm off the rails...

What everything here boils down to, what is at it's heart is fear. Terror, really. Am I ready to return to school after everything that happened last time? Am I ready to get married when I don't know that I've made the kind of progress I feel I should have made? Am I ready to make that step into my career instead of continuing this line of poor-paying part-time positions that don't initiate my brain at all?

The answer to all these is 'yes'. A resounding 'yes'. But what of the terror? What of the grip it has over me. What happens when I'm in Decatur and can't see family and friends and remember that I am capable and can push through this? It owns me. But it shouldn't. And, at this point, I need to ignore the juvenile excuses that used to "work" and be an adult. Accept it. Be it.

I'll get there.

Updated

So, I updated the site a bit. It was getting a little drafty in there and needed a quick redesign. I'll spend more time manipulating things later, but as is, it doesn't look bad.

Post Job, Day 11: Weekend relaxation feels like weekday relaxation

Sure, there was a hiccup with our internet connection earlier today, but this feels like an all together lax day. 'Dear Science,' plays in the background as I've been sitting here at my desk for most of the day. And by day, I mean that I woke up at two. Oh, did I mention the shower I took an hour ago? That's my day so far.

I'll need to do some work on the many projects I have tonight or today will be an absolute wash. ...script writing it is!

Dear Comcast,

"I'm doing this as hard as I can."

Yeah, why do I have to pay you more when you make a mistake? Grr...

Post Job, Day 10: The dream

There was a conscious setting of my alarm last night. 8 o'clock. I'd wake up and get to work as close to the time I would normally do so. 8 o'clock came, music started playing, my eyes opened. I layed there in my bed recognizing that I needed more sleep. Snooze button. Out. Fifteen minutes later music starts playing again, and my eyes open. I recognized the need to be awake by turning off my alarm and sitting up for a minute or two. I sat there, attempting to glare through my caked eyes, fell over and went back to sleep.

In that in between time, between turning off my alarm at whatever time and waking up again at 11:30, I had some kind of dream. Not sure if it was of the day variety or if I was in the actual state of REM sleep, but, well, who cares. So, here's the dream...I'm being kicked out of the Baha'i Faith. No joke.

Obviously, this has links to my being laid off by the Baha'i National Center and my father's passed history of being laid off but I felt something different. As if this was something possible. Like doing something "wrong" in accordance to whomever would have the effect of having me be kicked out of the Faith that I have prescribed my life. It's odd, sure, but there's something there. Did I mention I was being fired by my boss at the National Center? No, well, he did. ...perhaps this just links me back to being laid off and finally dealing with it subconsciously. That would make sense anyway. Hmm, I'll really have to delve deeper into this at some point. Just not right now. I'd like to spend some time relaxing after this week. After a taxing day of having people tell me, again, that they'll miss me so much when I'm gone. That I shouldn't leave; as if this was my choice; it would have been sooner or later anyway, so there's that. I'm not sitting here in judgment of them or angry that they care, just that it's draining to hear it three or four times a day by three or four people. It's just a constant reminder of "hey, you won't be here anymore."

On the plus side, I received a letter today, handwritten and professional, from someone in the office offering their perspective of the situation and me, personally. It was uplifting to see what those whom work around you think of you. So positive and loving they are.

THAT WAS MY DAY!

Post Job, Day 10: Oh, right. I was going to write something...

The day came and went and I got very little "work" done. I did, however, solidify my final semester's schedule, dropping a redundant Shakespeare course for History of Modern China (why not?).

Oh, and there was lunch with Josh Elder, writer of Mail Order Ninja and the new Starcraft graphic novels. We talked about publishing and inexpensive yet fabulous Argentinean artists and the proposals I will send to them in the form of short stories, then scripts. The prospect has become to be more real to me. Like it could very well happen in the very near future. Like I could write two or three short stories, or maneuver a couple I'm working on, to be ready to send off by January; a very doable prospect. I will have, after all, an entire month of butt growing and eye destroying to endure. Wee!

He also talked of beta testing and street teaming his new project, primed to begin launch in February. Whereas before things looked like they might happen, now, they done gunna. Which is a good feeling. -- Weather Channel app for the iPhone?! Whaaa? Wait...wait...my phone's battery just died as I was trying out the app. Damn you, battery and my obsessive playing of majong for the last hour! -- ...oh, right, blogging. So, right, I'll be working on those things I mentioned...you know the ones.

Also, I have this plan to finish, at least, three books before I leave: 'Conscious Courtship', 'The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay ', and 'Kite Runner'. I'd like to crack 'Theodore Rex' and 'Hero of a Thousand Faces' as well but I'm trying to be realistic here. You can follow my progress and read my reviews on goodreads.com, easily one of my favorite sites that doesn't include the buying of them.

Also-also, no hair cut. Too cold. Didn't want to have to wear a hat right after getting things did. Too many short hairs. Too many excuses. Next week, it'll happen.

Also-also-also, there's a $10 triple-feature of 'The Creature Walks Among Us', 'Godzilla vs the Sea Monster', and 'Horror of Dracula' at the Portage Theater starting at 6:00 p.m. Join me, won't you.

Much more writing tomorrow...also, some blogging about where I'm at mentally and all that. Night night.

Post Job, Day 9: Tomorrow's day

Scheduling

10:30 - Doctor's appointment
12:00 - Lunch with Josh to talk about comics, options open to me
2:00 - Haircut 4k
2:30 - Grocery shopping: pizza ingredients
3:30 - Following Josh's advice on finding a cheap artist
4:00 - Script writing
5:00 - Beginning pizza making process, thinking about the day, meditating while chopping red and green peppers
8:00 - The Office, 30 Rock, conversations
10:30 - Script writing

Any in between time on the train will be spent reading and any at home will be reading, minimizing noodling on the tubes, and writing various blog posts or short pieces I get inspired to write.

Geez, being a writer is exhausting or something.

Post Job, Day 9: I like my life more then blogging!

A friend sent me this New York Times article called "In Web World of 24/7 Stress, Writers Blog Till They Drop". It's a pretty self-explanatory article. People are blogging themselves to death, to bad health, to nervous breakdowns.

The reason I mentioned death first must be for the same reason the writer of the article did, scare bloggers. Make it pop like a blogger. Also, that whole inverted pyramid thing. But, regardless, this hit a nerve in me. I've thought about living the life of a blogger. I had a lady and gent from a Mac website offer the opportunity to write for them, to be the voice of new Mac news, and I wanted to do it. I was excited by the idea of pumping out a few articles blog posts a day and reaping the benefits. Then, things didn't work out and I was bummed out like Matt Buchanan, passed out on his keyboard.

This article, though, freaked me out! Like scared straight, but it worked. Matt Buchanan doesn't have time to eat proper meals, so he's "regularly consuming a protein supplement mixed into coffee." Pardon my language, but that's fucked up. The articles does not, however, mention any kind of social life or his emotional state; both of which, I'm sure, are massively screwed up.

It's like the single mom, working three jobs to support her kids but LOVING IT. But there's another aspect of the story that was disturbing: do they have families? Do they see their families if they have them? I want a family!

Ugh. Sure, this post is a bit reactionary and I recognize the irony that I'm sitting here typing this out as I freak about the conditions many bloggers subject themselves to and that I'm going to keep writing in this and one other blog, but I certainly won't be getting paid for it! Oh...wait...

Post Job, Day 9: Lingering afterthoughts

I've realized something as I wrote that last post, and I'm not sure how I want to word it. ...well, let's try this...

With regards to continuing work at the National Center even though everyone laid off has left there are twofold reasons:
1) When I was hired, I told my bosses that I would attempt to stay for my full, two-year commitment. That's not to say I didn't bitch and moan during that time, wishing I could leave or be doing anything more interesting then making adjustments to someone's contact information. I did plenty of that. Heck, I even wanted to leave a few times. I straight up told my boss I was ready to leave. That I was looking for other jobs and would leave the second I found one. He supported it. Not surprisingly, Steve saw that I was unhappy, unchallenged, and in need of change and made ever accommodation that I could interview for other positions or make my schedule flexible. So, he's the reason I'm doing what I'm doing. I know that when I tell people that I want to stay for my full two-year commitment it sounds noble and wonderful, but it really has to do with Steve. The guy gets crapped on day-in and day-out, and I want to help him out as best I can until I leave. Sure, it doesn't make up for the complaints and bitching in his office, but it's something, I think.
2) When I'm not there, I feel a difference. Not in me, necessarily, - although that is fairly evident in that the job gives me some semblance of structure and purpose - but in another person. A person I don't want to see sad. When I come in, there's a difference. That's all I'm saying.

So, I'm committed to staying there until December 1st because of Steve and, well, because I want to be there for someone. Someone whom I would buy a Juan Valdez Pod Coffee Maker for. ...on second thought, that thing's kind of ugly. Next Woot Off item!

Post Job, Day 9: Settling in

As some of you know, I was laid off last week. It wasn't a happy experience, but not nearly as jarring as it was for those 27 others. I spoke with three of them and their soreness struck me. They had no plan. This was a surprise.

So, I commiserated with them, knowing full well that I wasn't sore. My job would be phased out in the next two years anyway, I was leaving for school in January to finish my degree, and, well, I had a framework. I watched them as they spoke, their eyes shifting around the room, full of nerves and what-am-I-to-dos. It helped them, maybe, to get past that first emotion of anger or disappointment or whatever negative thing their minds went to first, but I'm not sure. No one's ever sure. Then, I answer the question of what I was to do. There was a noticeable change in their posture. They no longer thought of me as one of them but as an outsider. I didn't worry about work as they were. I would be staying on, volunteering my time, until December 1st to the office I had been part of for two years. I would remain there, comfortable, as they all sat in their homes, scrambling to find some kind of work.

That was last week, though. I've shifted my schedule to work three days a week (Monday, Wednesday, and Friday), and spend my "free time" on the phone ensuring everything is in line for my return to school.

And that's where I am right now. This is the first time I've posted anything or openly talked about my joblessness on the internets outside vague posts to twitter. So, I'll try to keep myself focused with this, and, hopefully, ensure I don't sink into something bad...if that makes sense.

More to come.

Daily blog

So, I sent this to myself while in bed thinking it might be a good idea. The more I thought on it the more I liked it.

Unemployed blog entries keeping me up on my daily life, ensure my brain won't numb out, and writing sharp. Do I start now or December 1? ...Might make sense to write more on days I take off but still a post or two while at work.
Set a time table: wake up earlier, timeframe it up; watch a movie, read a book and talk about it; get myself ready for the shift to the new site; get ready for school; etc.
Get back to basics.
Set daily tasks.
Can't get depressed, talk about it.


Sent through the tubes from my iPhone

I'm going to do that. It's going to follow this post here here. So there you go.

The Destiny of America

"...May the American people and their government unite in their efforts in order that this light may dawn from this point and spread to all regions, for this is one of the greatest bestowals of God. In order that America may avail herself of this opportunity, I beg that you strive and pray with heart and soul, devoting all your energies to this end: that the banner of international peace may be upraised here and that this democracy may be the cause of the cessation of warfare in all other countries."
~ Abdu'l-Baha, The Promulgation of Universal Peace (1912)