The move to come

Far too often I let the sight of falling snow consolidate all the maybes and possibilies and might-bes into a mass of twisted iron. It weighs and coats everything, the wind freezes the locks, and expands the metal to the point where the slightest adjustment in pressure might cause everything inside to pinata outwards. It's time to move...

On January 12th I leave for Decatur, IL. Until today, I didn't know where I'd be living - the fear that I might being forced to live with an 18-year old freshman, experiencing alcohol and independence for the first time - or whether I'd be able to eat anything. I tried to speak with the head chef about my "food requirements" over three months ago to no avail. He suggested that I get an apartment off campus and cook for myself, noting a Kroger not more than a mile from campus. I gave him a look through the phone, it was not received. That conversation ended with nothing. He passed the buck, refused to actually deal with my requests, and told me to handle it for myself. Of course, this is something I do right now, something I've been doing for two years now since discovering my "food requirements", and am perfectly comfortable continuing to do so. Problem was: Kroger.

A Kroger in Decatur, IL, no less. This is like asking a rock climber to buy her/his gear for the ascension of Mount Everest from a sporting goods recyclery store; all second hand and nearly worn through. There's just no way.

Then, continued the tribulations of trying to uncover whether or not a friend would sublet my apartment. His dodging had become tiresome over the months, his excuses (which turned out to be realistic, but still) unending, and I was left with more creaking and groaning of steel. It wasn't surprising that I find myself, right now, sitting at this computer wishing my stomach ache would subside or disappear so I can get to sleep. Usually, I'm forced to wait until I'm about to fall over, to hit the pillow, and it's becoming more then I can handle.

But, as I said before, this all existed until today. Today, I found out I have an apartment and that the director of dinning services has assured the dean I've been in contact with that there will be food for me to eat, every day, three times a day. Then, after more evading phone calls and texts, my friend finally told us what's going on with taking over the apartment. It was relieving. I felt my stomach warm and unbend...until I realized I'd be gone in less than a month.

Soon I'll be gone. Five months, sure, isn't a long time, but it is when you're in the belly of the beast. When you're unsure where your heart sits. I'll be back where I was six-years ago but older now, more prepared. But that doesn't calm me, it just opened one gate and froze a different one.